It's been twenty two years to the day since my paternal Grandmother has passed away. Each year my father's family attends a Catholic mass at my Grandfather's church to pay their respects to her. It's kind of a big deal for us. This year? Both my kids woke up with pink eye this morning. I wasn't able to go.
The thought of staying home really made me sad. Even though I was only four when she died I seem to have put my Grandmother on a pedestal long ago. At 26, I think that pedestal is as high as the heavens. When I was 14 I legally added her name, Arlene, as my middle name (I was born without one). When I had my first child, a girl, it only seemed appropriate to pass that along. Her middle name is my Grandmother's middle name, Elaine. My father, myself, and my daughter look a lot like her. Even though I am closer to my mother's side of the family, I tend to identify myself a lot with her. It's a big reason why I dread December 15th of every year.
I couldn't stay home. I packed my goobery kids up in the car and headed to the cemetery. On the way there we stopped and picked out three red roses from each of us so we didn't go empty handed. I was excited to take Kellan there. It's only been lately that she's understood what Grandma's and Grandpa's are and their place in our family. I have a photo of my Grandmother hanging in the family room and she knows that's her Grandma "Busia" Arlene. I was proud to take her there and show her, even though I knew it would be over her head.
After Kellan picked out the flowers I was putting the kids back in the car when Kellan says "Almost there. Going to Grandma Arlene's house". I explained to Kellan that her Grandma had passed away and that we're going to visit her grave. When we got there I put the flowers on her stone and cleaned it up a bit before we left. As we were about to drive away I hear Kellan in the back "Goodbye Grandma Arlene. I love you. Merry Christmas." and blew her a kiss. I just about died in the front seat. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut just before and elephant danced on my chest. It took everything I had to smile and not start crying. At that moment it hit hard that my Grandma will never meet my children, and my children will never meet their Great Grandma that I cherish. Driving away I would have given just about anything in the world for Kellan to have 5 minutes to meet her.
Merry Christmas Grandma
September 18th, 1921 - December 15th, 1987
