Sometimes Moms Just Don't Have All The Answers.

I know I promised that I would post pictures from our Canadian boat trip (sorry Lindsay!), but I'm just not in the mood. I am finding myself in a state of emotional confusion that I'm not able to sort out in my head. So, as a rare treat (or total snooze fest) I'm going to write about one of the few people in my life that I keep protected, near and dear to my heart. I need to sort it out.

On Friday evening I found out my great uncle, Phil, had finally past away. He hasn't been doing well these last few years and it's been extremely hard on my family. Friday morning he finally passed. He was my grandmother's brother.

To be honest I was never close with this man. I think I have seen him maybe three times in the last 25 years of my being. I have to admit he came to Christmas this past year and I found him to be a delight. Here is this old, frail man that knows he doesn't have long and he's trying so very hard to leave his mark in our lives. He did.

Aside from grieving over the fact that a man's life was finally finished and his daughters, granddaughter, and great-granddaughter are left behind feeling abandoned, I think there is something more selfish to it. I guess I have always taken the idea of this man just being an extended member of the family for granted. For some reason I never really put two and two together that he is the only sibling of my grandmother, Arlene. Here is this man that I could have asked so many questions and possibly gotten so many answers about the woman that I have immortalized in my mind that passed when I was just four. I know that will be the hardest thing for me at his funeral. At some point I'm going to have to turn my back and walk away, shutting out another connection of a continuously lost family. Why did this epiphany have to come to me 12 hours after he's gone?

I now know that a large part of my grieving is that a chapter of life is gone and has moved on to just be a part of history, the past. I know I'm also feeling sadness on behalf of my Grandfather. I know my uncle was a comfort to him. My Grandma may not be around, but someone close to her still is. Scratch that, was.

My Grandfather has made himself the leader of the pack. All growing up I've never seen him show real emotion, leaders don't crack. For the first time I'm seeing him as lonely. It makes him human. It puts us on the same level. It's hard for me to process.

I don't know much about my grandmother. I think it pains my grandfather to think about her, so I don't ask. I think her children have pushed her in the back of their minds, and it's not because they didn't love her. It's because I don't think any of my father's siblings have a full set of coping skills intact. So, I don't ask.

She's someone that has alway intrigued me for the smallest and most humble reasons. I see her in my father. I can see her in myself. I saw her in my daughter moments after she was born. I have taken her name as my middle. I have taken her middle as my daughter's middle. I wish to keep my last name as hers. I hope to always have something she left behind.

I only have two memories of this woman that I pray I will never forget. One of them was my very first memory. The other was something I now realize isn't a happy one. But those are kept just for me, at least for now. I'll make sure to give Kellan every detail when she's older. That, I promise.


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Now playing: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris