On Monday, February 9th, I went into see my OB with the overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. I had felt that way all weekend. Instead of driving myself crazy I just went and made an appointment. All seemed well and the heartbeat was strong. They also decided to take some blood.
My Down Syndrome test came back positive.
I can't explain to you how hard my world came crashing down in one phone call. My heart sank and I wanted to throw up. I remember my doctor continuing to talk but I wasn't even hearing her. I hung up the phone and bawled. I bawled and bawled and bawled. I know I've never cried that hard in my life. I'm just not a crier. I bawled until I was numb. I was days away from finding out the sex of my baby and I was filled with excitement to go shopping. The thought of something like this hadn't even crossed my mind. It blinded sided me and smacked me in the face so hard I couldn't think straight. I remember her calling back. I knew she felt horrible. She had made me an appointment with a specialist. She was also telling me to think about the options of getting an amniocentesis and the risks of doing so and if I would want to ever consider abortion. She wanted me to be prepared for these questions from my genetics counselor.
Abortion.
I dropped to my knees with my head in my hands. I could barely breathe. I had wanted this baby, any baby so badly it hurt. I was almost half way through this pregnancy and the thought of just giving up killed me. I've never felt so hopeless and without control in my entire life. How could she ask me such a thing?!? But I understood at the same time. I'm not an idiot, I studied Down Syndrome. I knew what I was up against.
So I apologize to everyone for shutting down. If I could say that I've ever come close to a complete breakdown, I would say that now would be the time. I haven't wanted to answer the phone or any other medium of communication because when you're pregnant it always goes something like this: "how's the baby doing?" or "how are you feeling today?". I didn't want to break down crying every time the phone rang. "How am I feeling? I feel like shit. Like I don't want to bury my child in less than 30 years, thank you."
I've been a wreck and I've been hiding. I've barely told anybody because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk babies. And I don't want mindless chit chat either. I want to lay on my couch with my daughter and suck my thumb. I need some time to myself to think. I need some time to sort myself out. I'm sorry if my previous post wasn't good enough for you. If this one isn't either than I have nothing for you.
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